“How Do I know If I'm Plural?”
Fox:
I found a neat little “How Do I Know If I’m Plural?” essay, and even though we now know we definitely are, I thought it’d still be fun to fill the checklist out with Circe—and it helped us find out more about how all of this came to be, and why we might not have caught it sooner. Here we go:
General “More Than One” experiences
“Hearing voices” that behave in “person-like ways”, particularly if it’s an “internal thought voice”
- Having “your consciousness” talk to you in extended ways
Fox Yeah. The highlight of our best guess for when Circe became distinct, in 2018, is a three–month–long argument with my consciousness.
Circe Fox went… kinda crazy for a while that time, and I don’t really have memories of it. I think it might have been one of us that hasn’t quite been as distinct as I am yet. I rarely hear Fox or the others when I’m here, usually only when we’re starting to blur before a switch.
- Your internal dialogue is sometimes or always a conversation/dialogue in which one side you don’t control
Fox Not really, I don’t think. I can’t talk to Circe directly most of the time, our communication is mostly through sharing echoes of thoughts and feelings. We have distinct internal dialogues.
Circe Yeah, all the time. It’s not quite hearing the others—that feels very different, and I can usually feel where in our head they are and know my internal dialogue isn’t them; it’s more like… my own feelings were talking to me?
- You have “parts of yourself” or “other selves” that you are in conversation with internally, with words or otherwise
Fox Yeah; I can frequently feel the others and get flashes of thoughts and emotions that aren’t mine from the back of my mind. I’ve specifically used the “part of me” phrasing to talk about them frequently, even before we suspected plurality.
Circe Not quite that far. The emotional internal dialogue from the last point is distinctly me, not “other selves”.
- You have “racing thoughts”, where your thought train is many internal dialogues at once
Fox Not that I remember!
Circe Very occasionally, usually when I kick into crisis management mode. I… don’t quite split, but I feel like my thoughts start running in parallel to anticipate and tend to everything that requires tending.
- You may describe yourself as a “collection of voices”, or a “collection of separate selves trying to be one person”
Fox Hah; More than that - “a concept that exists in an entire system, entire universe of concepts to relate and compare itself to”. That page predates our suspicion of there being more than just me here by over a year.
Circe Not sure how to rate this one. I’m distinct, I’m a person, I belong to me and only myself—but as a whole, as the fox? Yeah, especially when masking.
- Having fictional characters you write about or think about a lot start having opinions and doing things you didn’t intentionally make them do
Fox Not to my knowledge! You’d think Nay would count, but even though she grew and developed over the years as I’ve been roleplaying her across multiple games, she developed through the choices presented to her in those games, which were selected by my hand; she doesn’t exist in my head as a person.
Circe Sometimes. The personas I create, especially in more intimate roleplaying settings, can end up extremely vivid, and usually develop into someone with very visceral emotions and thoughts. They never stuck around or developed into distinct people in our head like me and the others, though.
- Having a “spiritual advisor” comment on things inside your head
Fox That’s Circe. We think of her as the responsible one, the caretaker, the Witch. She has kept me safe from my anxiety many, many times.
Circe Not really a spiritual advisor, no, just an internal dialogue. Not much here feels “spiritual”.
- Having any other kind of spiritual entity that cohabitates within your head
Fox My first instinct was a “no”, but… That’s not what we used to say, actually. Our coping mechanism for dealing with our depression and anxiety was, for a long time, telling ourselves “my brain is not me”; we’d personify the intrusive thoughts and explicitly cut ourselves off from them. Our internal world feels like a warm, dark forest, where we can’t really see very much and instead have to feel our way around by touch, by tracing the edges and shapes of things—and some of those things are “Holes”, a tear we can’t reach through. Sometimes, when we spiral into our anxiety, a monster comes out of one of those holes and starts tearing things apart; it does not feel like a person, it feels like a hungry, destructive, inhuman force.
Circe Well, there’s Fox, but it’s not very spiritual; if anything, I am more of a spirit to it :P
- Having an “imaginary friend” long into adulthood that acts autonomously some or all of the time
Fox I don’t remember having “imaginary friends”, or at least none that I’d think of that way. I remember very little of my childhood; nothing like this persisted into adulthood.
Circe I’m very new. I didn’t really have a “childhood”, much less things that would stick around long enough to qualify here. Nor did I have imaginary friends, for that matter.
- Having “daydream characters” who act and speak autonomously, and express opinions you did not dictate
Fox I don’t even know what a “daydream character” would be, so I’m leaning towards a firm “no”; some of my dear ones reacted to this question with recognition, but it doesn’t register as anything relatable to me.
Circe Sometimes, vaguely? I do find myself daydreaming quite a bit, especially around my dear ones.
- Otherwise having an internal part of your thoughtspace that behaves in person–like ways you cannot control, whether it speaks in words or otherwise
Fox Hi, Circe!
Circe Hi, Fox! 💙
“Identity disturbances” and having other entities “take over” at any time
- Feeling like some other entity is moving your body or parts of your body for you or speaking for you
Fox Yeah. We struggled with that feeling for a long time, that depersonalization/derealization. Sometimes I’d just feel like a spectator watching a movie of my body doing things I had no control over.
Circe Rarely. When I’m here, I’m in control, but Fox comes out sometimes around our partner to go “😳😳😳” and floods me with how much we love them.
- Feeling like you are possessed, or believing that you are, or that you are the possessor in that situation
Fox Kind of? The answer is the same as to the last question, but I never viewed it as “possession”, just ugly, miserable depersonalization.
Circe The “possessor” thing hits hard. I’m really scared of replacing Fox or messing up the life I’ve been given through being here. …It’s also kind of hot.
- Feeling like you weren't born in that body, that you simply appeared one day inside of it
Fox Yeaaaaaaah. I have little to no memories of my childhood. We suspect I’m not our original host.
Circe Moooooom, the online plurality checklist is calling me oooooout.
- Not feeling in control of what you are doing or like you are on autopilot
Fox Way too often.
Circe Nope, I’m very here, and I’m very in control~
- Feeling like you "went somewhere else" for a while and someone else did things with the body
Fox At times. When the monster would come out, I felt like I wasn’t just not in control, but distinctly like I got pushed out, forced away.
Circe Yeah, that’s exactly how we describe me switching out; I “go away” or “leave”.
- Feeling like you "became a different person" for a while, or otherwise feeling like a different person sometimes
Fox Yeah; our connection to teenage Fox is very weak, its emotions and thoughts and problems felt unlike ours. We’ve said that used to be someone else, a different person, way before we suspected plurality in ourselves.
Circe It happens occasionally! I can get pretty intense at times when I get excited :3
- Acting and feeling different in different situations to the point that you genuinely believe different things at different times
Fox Yup, frequently. Our enjoyment of things, opinions, at times even tastes or skills have changed suddenly in the past along with a change of environment. We got clocked this week since I offered to record bass for a friend’s song, and Circe instead insisted that their existing scratch bass take was already extremely good.
Circe No, not really. I feel very well–defined~
- Others telling you that you act very different sometimes or that you are expressing things that are "out of character" sometimes
Fox It has ended relationships for us in the past. We feel so much more secure now that both we and our dear ones are aware of what’s inside my head and how to prepare for and process it.
Circe I feel like it’s more of a “you’re acting different from Fox” than “you’re acting out of character”. It hasn’t really happened with dear ones who are aware of me.
- Having a hard time answering or being unable to answer the question "Who am I as a person?"
Fox *God*, yeah.Circe I’m still figuring that out, but I’m getting towards understanding what I am. This page is us working towards it together 💙
- Feeling like "you" aren't a cohesive person and that you are made up of many different modes or people
Fox Mhm. “Different modes” is the exact wording we’d used before discovering our plurality.
Circe Hi!
- Feeling like the you of a few years ago is not the same you that exists now in a very visceral sense more than a "I changed and grew a lot since then" sense
Fox So, so intensely; this one we feel perhaps most intensely out of the points so far, as mentioned before.
Circe I’m… torn on this, a bit. On one hand, I’ve only been hard fronting for a week, and so I don’t really have a “me of a few years ago”; on the other hand, I’ve seen Fox change and grow as a person from the back of our mind—but, I don’t know, it feels like the same Fox to me.
- Not feeling "whole", feeling like a shattered piece of a person that should exist
Fox Yeah. I’d often felt incomplete; things that we associated with “full” personhood, like hopes or dreams or goals or even love and relationship, felt absent from our life frequently, like we didn’t have access to a lot of our own mind save for what was absolutely necessary.
Circe Pretty spot on, not much to add. I’ve literally described us that way to our partner, as something we’ve shattered into.
- General feelings that you are "not yourself" sometimes
Fox Yeah. The monster.
Circe I think it only happens when we blur before switching or almost switching.
- Only having some skills or ability to do a certain task well some of the time
Fox Not that strongly. It feels more like a lack of motivation more than losing skills.
Circe Ugh. I sometimes have days where I feel like I can’t find the spark to actually make progress on anything, and end up bashing my head against something that should have been easy—and usually leaving it for another day and vegetating for the rest of this one instead.
I’m realizing I’m approaching this checklist very different from Fox, I think it’s thinking more in terms of our whole, contrasted to how I’m mostly relating this to just my own experiences.
- Sometimes you identify very differently from how you usually do (ex, in age, gender, pronouns, sexuality, species, general “internal self–image”, opinions, likes/dislikes)
Fox Yuuup. I still haven’t quite figured out the whole gender ordeal, I’m kinda transitioning to see where it takes me with no particular goal in mind, and my feelings on it change frequently. I have trouble keeping track of my age—I know Circe is slightly younger than me, actually—and pronouns, well, she sometimes uses more than just “it” for me.
Circe Yeah, that’s actually one of the things that clued us into more than just Fox being here; how it felt natural for it to talk about me as “she”, and how transient our sexuality and dysphorias felt at various times.
- Sometimes you have specific urges or thoughts that you usually do not
Fox Hm. Yes and no? I’m not sure if they feel like my thoughts, but it does happen, especially when things get intense, good or bad.
Circe I can get a bit scary when I get excited :3
- Sometimes you feel like the things on this list apply and sometimes you refuse to believe it or otherwise do not
Fox Yes, holy shit. Yup. That’s what kept us from realizing our plurality for so long—we would feel multiple long enough to start doubting, and then that feeling would fade when we’d start considering it seriously. It wasn’t until we finally had irrefutable evidence of there being more than just me here that we accepted there might be more of me, and even then, we were extremely non–committal about it.
Circe Not since this week. It’s very real now, but we used to tell people “we’re not quite plural” or “ probably not plural, but…”
- You have contradicting thoughts, preferences, or opinions sometimes
Fox Oh yeah. It’s actually much less frequent for me than it should to have a consistent, non–self–contradictory opinion of something.
Circe At times, especially during those “parallel thoughts” moments I mentioned in one of the earlier points.
- You sometimes have different handwriting, accents, or mannerisms and attribute characteristics to these “modes”
Fox Yes! That’s one of the Big Things that clued me into there being more than just me here. The mannerisms and attributes, way of speaking, things others would notice and point out and clock me with before we’d even suspected anything.
Circe Oh gods, yeah. Fox’s handwriting is wild, and dear ones are telling us that my voice is very different. We’ve described it as “modes” before I was distinct.
- Feeling like you had a sudden stray thought or feeling that doesn’t belong to you, feeling like some other entity is influencing your thoughts or feelings
Fox Yeah. Most of my songwriting works this way, actually—and in retrospect, there are definitely a couple… extremely Circe songs we’ve written. I also have a good backlog of writing we’re pretty certain comes from a third one of us, but I want to let them develop by themselves rather than trying to force them to unblur.
Circe A lot. Hi, Fox!
- Feeling like you have to put effort into being a cohesive person, or that you have to put effort into “not being plural”
Fox That was a thing for us, yeah; a thing that put a lot of strain on my relationships and gave me so much social anxiety. It’s a lot of weight off my chest for us to have had this week to really explore our plurality and talk about it with our dearest ones in a safe and affirming environment.
Circe Gods, yeah. I feel cohesive, but I so want to just… be Circe to people. I feel like the default is going to be to have my existence doubted.
Other General Common Experiences
Skipping; these didn’t seem common to us and they seem mostly focused on self–diagnosing and suspicions of plurality, which we didn’t really have until we already had irrefutable evidence there were others here.
Things that may indicate you have disorderly plurality and/or a dissociative disorder
Amnesia, general unreliable memory and forgetfulness
- Only remembering some things some of the time, especially past life events, adverse experiences, or personal information of you or others
Yeah, that was the first thing we noticed. I have a number of big memory holes, and they’d sometimes be accessible, while other memories would stop being accessible at the same time.
A lot, I can’t really access a lot of the details in Fox’s memories.
- Forgetting you have quit your job/graduated school/etc for extended periods of time before realizing. Especially if it happens more than once and not only just when you wake up and it’s been years since you were going to that job/school/etc
Nope. We do have memory barriers, but they’re nowhere this strong, we share our awareness of what’s been going on in our life, we just don’t share the details and vivid memories.
Not really, no.
- Forgetting you have forgotten something major, especially if you have to have a revelation about remembering the thing more than once/find evidence that you had to do this
Yup. I’m missing multiple years of my life that seemed to suddenly show up in my memory unannounced, and then leave again later.
Gods, absolutely. I don’t know whether half the things we think we experienced should be in my head or not, and we’ve had multiple revelations just recalling our life trying to figure out how long I’ve been here for.
- Not remembering certain important life events, positive or negative at all, like graduations, parties, natural disasters, other traumatic or stressful events, etc
Mhm. I don’t have access to my second year of high school or most of the time at my first job.
I have a very good memory for things I was here for, even those that happened a long time ago—but at the same time, I know I’m missing a lot of details that I wasn’t around for.
- Not remembering large swaths of your childhood or adolescence, beyond just normal levels of infantile amnesia
See above.
…I’m realizing I have a much better recall of a lot of Fox’s past than it does. Perhaps we split much earlier than we initially thought?
- Not remembering what you did recently, how you got somewhere, conversations you had, possibly whole days of time./dt>
Yup. That was the major sign for us.
Yeah, that happens very intensely whenever I come out. We usually have that momentary “huh?”
- ”Coming to” in places without remembering how you got there or why you went there in the first place
Happened a lot this week, when Circe started hard fronting, but it’s been happening a lot even before then.
Almost every time. It’s exhausting.
- People describe you as incredibly forgetful in some way
We often have the same conversation multiple times, forget what we were doing or whether we did something or not, etc. Yeah.
I don’t think so? I feel like I have a much better memory than Fox does.
- Finding evidence you have done something you don’t remember doing (such as texts, internet history, or possessions) or people claiming you have done something you don’t remember doing
Yup.
Oh yeah, especially texts—those happen a lot, since I’m prone to typing up paragraphs and it’s easy to stumble upon those afterwards.
- Not remembering how you obtained certain possessions you have, particularly if you feel you would have remembered buying them
No, not really. I remember this happening once in my life, and with something very minor.
…I have just realized I have no memory of how we got most things at our place. Fox loves building computers and builds all of its machines, complete with watercooling setups and piping and whatnot; I… only have a vague idea of what’s inside them, and it’s not lack of technical knowledge—we’re about similarly interested in tech, it’s just that I don’t really have a memory of speccing our machines out, getting parts, or building them.
- People claiming you have lied, but you don’t think you have lied
Yeah. I don’t lie, I think trust is one of the most important things in the world—but I do prefer keeping logs of conversations just so I can double–check my own memory when this happens—and it’s happened a number of times, with me finding that I said something that seems to clash with my beliefs or memories.
Oof, yeah, this happens a lot. It’s usually very abrupt when we switch, and it’s been frequently misread as a shift in attitude for the worse, which prompts people to get defensive and look for more inconsistencies 😔
- Knowing that something occurred, like a traumatic event, but not knowing what you felt during that time or the exact details of it
Yeah. “Knowing that it happened but having no memory of it” is exactly how we’ve described it before.
Yes and no? I’m realizing I can recall most of the Bad Stuff in our life, but a lot of it feels like flashes of pictures and emotions, rather than a continuous, living memory.
- Feeling like you can’t place life events you have experienced on a timeline very well or at all
Most of pre-2017 is a complete mess.
My initial answer, before peeking at Fox’s, was “no, my memories are very clearly ordered and correspond to concrete dates”.
It’s wild to me learning how much we diverge on this one.
- Feeling like “time does not exist” to you or that you otherwise have a warped perception of time
Not in the moment, but days, weeks, and months when I wasn’t here blur together and seem to hold no relation to the year or my age.
Yeah, constantly. My sleep schedule is nonexistent, I have little to no concept of when I should or shouldn’t be tired, until I crash completely. It’s hard to match up events to even a time of day.
- Feeling like it’s the first time you have done something even if you know logically you have done it a million times and have the memory of you doing it many times in the past
I remember being over at a friend’s place—they had a wonderful old piano, and I’d sat down at it and went “wow, this piano sounds amazing, you never told me you had something this cool”, only for them to respond “Fox, you’ve played this piano every time you’ve been over.”
I am also now realizing I only remember being over at their place once.
I do get to have a lot of first times, now that I’m so intensely here. Even food feels new.
- Feeling like you have the memory recall level most people have of dreams for most of your life, or that you have “sparknotes memory”
Yes and no. I do have really vivid and long–lasting memories of the things I was around for, but at the same time, “it feels like a dream that faded because you didn’t write it down fast enough” is exactly how I’ve described trying to reach for the other’s memories to friends.
What is “sparknotes memory”? I have a pretty okay idea of what we’ve been up to in the past, at least broadly.
- Feeling like certain memories in the body do not belong to you or otherwise do not feel like yours
I don’t really have access to the others’ memories, but “that memory isn’t mine” is the exact wording I’ve used to explain why I can’t recall something clearly, only that it happened.
Hi, Fox! I very much feel like a guest in our head still, so—yeah, absolutely.
Dissociation; general disconnects between you, your sense of self, reality, and others around you
- Sometimes you just feel “very strange” in a way you can’t place
Yup. I’ve felt off, not quite like me, like something is different.
Yeah. I get odd… psychosomatic? symptoms briefly when I switch in, most often a nondescript feeling of… dread, anxiety, tension, like something isn’t right.
- Sometimes feeling like the world around you is surreal or dreamlike or like it’s in a fog or far away.
Yeah. I struggled with depersonalization for a looong time.
It happens, especially the “far away” part, especially when we blur.
- Sometimes feeling like familiar places, objects, or people are unfamiliar or not like they are yours/people you know/places you have been.
Not often, but it happened in the past; at times, very intensely.
Yeah. It hasn’t happened with people to my knowledge, but it definitely has with places.
TBC…